To tell you the truth, when I want something, I work hard to get it. I do my best in order to achieve it. But there are just times, when along the journey, I have these second thoughts about questioning myself. Oftentimes, I ignore these doubts and continue on, and when I finally get to my goal I just don’t feel triumphant. I just don’t feel as excited as I was when I first thought about wanting it and starting my path directed to it.
The worst thing is that when I get to the point of just reaching out to grab it, I start to feel that I don’t deserve it. That somehow, I am this lesser being who is just stealing something that isn’t theirs. I don’t think it is someone else’s either, I just don’t think that it’s supposed to be mine, like it’s something to be left alone where it should be.
And there are moments when I love a person, I want a person, I need a person, but when I start to think about myself being together with them, I feel like they are better off without me. That they are too good for someone who is fucked-up like me. Someone who has a crap-personal life like me. I try to tell them these things about me, how unbeautiful I am especially on the inside, but instead of just believing in me like how they always tell me, they say how much I deserve these things and how beautiful I am and how strong, and wonderful, and how much they love me. Which makes me care and love them even more, which also makes me think of how much I don’t deserve them.
Because let’s face it, when people start to tell me those things, they start to appear even more wonderful in my eyes, how brighter they shine in my life. But after that, I start to realize the things I have done in the past, and what I am capable to do in the future, and how much I’m capable of hurting them. And whether I like it or not, I will hurt the people I love, even if I never intend to do so.
And that’s the main reason why I think I don’t deserve them. That I will never deserve them.
But you know what? That’s not my choice to decide if I deserve a person or not. The only thing that will determine that is if they stay or not. And those people who tell me otherwise despite telling them how much they’re better of without me, those are the people I shouldn’t be letting go. Because they see the best in me, that what I did in the past is in the past. Maybe they haven’t told me, but maybe they’ve had the same exact thoughts about themselves, and they know I have been going through the same stuff and they know what it feels like. And because they love me, they don’t want me to prolong the feeling, they don’t want me to succumb, they want me to rise from it like they did. Or maybe they want to rise from it together with me and put it behind our backs.
What matters is what I do from here on out. Yes, I will hurt them, unintentionally or indirectly, and being a human is not exactly an excuse but I can always make it up for them, I can always earn their forgiveness and their trust back. Because if they truly love me, they will never leave me. It may take a while, a year, a very long time, but if I really want it, I never stop trying. I never give up on them.
Because love conquers all.
Rumblings of a Madman 