I give a fuck about almost everything.
It can be a good thing. But there are times that it’s a bad thing, a really bad thing. I’m not saying that you should stop caring about things, even the smallest factors.
I care about animals, stray cats, stray dogs, even when I see a carcass of an unidentifiable lump of meat in the middle of the road and I would feel really sad as I pass by, wondering what their lives are like then somehow I would think what it’s going to be like if it’s me in their shoes, which I know they don’t have.
Most of all, I care about people. The tone of their voice, the moves they make, their talk, the certain look they give at something in particular, and the way they behave. It’s a lot of details I see and I notice. It makes me wonder the reasons behind them, leading to overthinking. Making the perfect recipe for depression or anxiety.
As I grow older, I became conscious of how people think of or see me. Even if we just met, I would think about what would be their first impression of me. Talking about myself is something I like. So I do talk a lot. I look at them directly in the eyes, and I can see a glimpse of their understanding if they believe me or not.
I used to trust people easily, sometimes I think I still do. But there were times when I don’t, I’ve been betrayed and lied to so many times before. It usually starts when their words don’t match their actions, and it’s so hard to still trust someone who is like that. And it hurts to finally see their true intentions and their true colors.
Yet, when it comes to matters of the heart, you can’t help but give them another chance. Multiple chances, really. I have once read that people suck especially when you don’t give them a chance. So I did, and I still do.
So what does that have anything to do why I no longer explain myself to people?
Simple, because I have been like that. There were moments that I no longer fulfil promises, I don’t stick to my own words, my action weren’t depicting what I said I would commit, and worst of all I lied to people and get caught eventually. It’s a big mess. That was when the trust issues started, my friends don’t believe a word I say, some people who already heard about me give me funny looks of suspicion and malice.
I pretend I don’t care, that they’re just people and they come and go. Though deep inside, I do care, and it hurts a lot. I regret the things I did, I endlessly wish I can turn back time and completely undo the mistakes I did. Unfortunately, I can only regret and try to have a do-over. Some people forgive and forget, some people don’t. I can’t blame them, of course. I made the mess in the first place. And trust isn’t the same like before.
All I can do is make the effort and be sincere that I have good intentions into fixing things. I appreciate all those people who stuck by me after all that I have done. Then eventually, I changed throughout the years. At least I’d like to think that I’m striving to be a better person not just for myself but also for those people I care about and care about me as well.
There will be days when I don’t have a choice but deal with assholes. They would ask things, about me like “getting to know you better” kind of thing. So I talk, I like it. It gives me the feeling of being adored or liked because they’re interested. In reality, they don’t believe in a thing I just said because of reasons. Maybe they just wanted to get in my pants, friends made them do a dare, or simply because they’re judgemental cunts who would think whatever they want to think about me no matter how sincere I am into explaining myself. For many times that has happened to me, I had to be patient and stopped explaining myself to people why or why not I do things. I just acted on situations and preferred not to flatter others with just words and empty promises. Of course, those people who actually care enough stick around and see who I really am are the ones I’m still with today, and judging me was the last thing in their mind.
I don’t think I’m being jaded. I think it’s about being careful so I don’t get hurt in the process of just diving into the unknown. I think it’s better if I take things one step at a time when it comes to being with people. I can never be too careful these days. I just don’t want to be taken advantage of. My crowd might be small, but they know me, and I’m very happy and thankful to be with them.
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